Chemistry world.
Where things are balanced....GOD's way.
The sins,hurts or whatever that happened in the past that comes back every now and then to haunt you are nothing but just an echo of what happened. They are not able to hurt you or destroy you because; 1: God/Jesus is the captain of our lives not Satan! 2: Like all echo it will get softer and softer after each time.
But first you have got to surrender it to Jesus for this to work! :)
G’day all.
Leon
Dear God, remind me that You are good. Although I can honestly say that my heart sinks each time I pray to You. Not because I don’t think You are good. But I am reminded of all the things that happened recently. Why God, is everyone else seem to be doing well in life but it never seem that my turn will come. I know You have got the best plan for me. But I’m just stuck here feeling confuse. Truth is. I don’t think I can handle disappointment anymore and I don’t want to work towards something and thinking that it is Your will and You’ve given your “Go ahead” that will end up finding nothing at the end of the rainbow again. I don’t understand Your plans and Your will.
Okay, thank You Father for finally allowing me to put my thoughts properly together and being able to write it out.
Give me strength to find my purpose and to know how and what to do and not to do.
But I pray that it’ll be not too much strength to punch some annoying people’s head off (Haha. Kidding.)
Amen.
A: So B where were you posted to?
B: OCS.
A+B+C+ everyone lar : Wahhhhh not bad ar. With B + C :Wahh Good job. Up there. Officer lerrrr.
A: How about you Leon?
me: RP.
A: Oh.
Tell me how can people and life not make me a bitter person? Though we have choice to rise above it and i’m trying/praying/hoping/you name it. I’m trying it to rise about it. But it’s not easy. It’s a constant uphill battle. Not against people. But self.
No wonder they say, YOU. Yourself. IS your greatest enemy.
No longer sure about what does it mean to have faith and hope.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Okay, i am not so sure now. Cause on one hand it was said Let God’s will be done in Your life. And on the other hand like what it is said above.
So HOW exactly does God’s will and man’s will come together as one?
It’s annoying in some sense letting the past events that happened recently to allow me to feel so hopeless about the future.
On one hand, I don’t want to lead myself to go one whole round again and found out that what I had faith in and wants to do for the Lord will not come true.
On the other hand, i don’t want to be aimless
Man, i don’t know God. Sorry that maybe I am angry at You and sorry for not having faith and delighting in You.
I am just not as strong.
Since recently, my thoughts on the possibility that I will never get married, i will never get to start a family and build the home i always wanted.
Perhaps too much of what has happened recently in life made me super…I dont know. Losing confident towards what I hope and wanted to do for the Lord and what i personally want for the future.
So i have perhaps became faithless about the future. And became like..
Ah. Forget it Leon you most likely wont get it and that’s that. God’s plan may most likely be very very different and if you are not careful you will end up chasing and end up finding nothing at the end of the rainbow.
Okay, i know it’s super bad to think this way. But i don’t know. It’s the season of my life i guess.
Ending here.
Makes me struggle to find my purpose here. I thought I was heading toward something bigger and better..there again, God’s idea of something bigger and better may not be the same as me. His is the best afterall. He knows what is the best…Be strong Leon and carry on…
In my nightmare last night You were stabbed with a knife in a riot.(I did not saw it happened. The news just came to me in a message) Things were serious and I was told that you were dying. I can’t get to you as you were far away. (In america I think) I wanted to be there to see you so badly. Helplessly I stood there waiting for news from your parents.
They told me that the chances of you surviving is slim and asked me to prepare for the worst. I was afraid. I don’t want you to die. Though I know full well in the dream that we are not together anymore. I just wanted to get to you…
After I woke up. My day was emoing and bad til now. I was slowly moving on and thinking less of you each day. I know you are moving on too and I’m happy for you and not worried about you.
But this stupid nightmare seem to undo almost everything and its like opening up the wound that is healing again. I spent a lot of my time thinking about you and most of all worried that this nightmare will come true.
I know we can’t be together yet, I’m afraid that such things will happen to you.
Oh. I’m so tired being like this today.
Thank God its just a nightmare…
Where I can have a roof over my head. Food on the table. Bed to sleep on. A simple car for getting from place to place. What I seek most is my family to be a God fearing and God loving family. Apart from that is that my kids to have more choices in life than I have now. Not limited by the limitations set by the people above you. “But seek ye FIRST, the kingdom of God and all will be added unto You” Lord help me to understand and live by what You said. Amen.
Friday the 13th. Bad Friday they say, where all things can possibly go wrong will go wrong. Indeed, this is perhaps by far in my life the worse Friday ever.
I got my posting on that day and to my shock, i am not posted to where i wanted. OCS is out of my reach…To make things worse…I was not even given a second chance to try for OCS again in SCS. I was posted to Regimental Police as..a…MAN for the rest of my whatever time i have in Army.
Oh the disappointment that hits me, all these years have i been chasing after a dream that leads to nothing but disappointment? Is it wrong to even dream and want something? I always wanted to be an officer, i want to learn to lead and lead to learn. To make the best use of my NS time. To be a leader so that things can be done much easier for my man and to fight for their rights!
To makes things worse, hearing stuff like…YOU POSTED TO RP??!!! OHH THE MIGHTY HAS FALLEN..-_- Seriously..Speechless. Esp coming from a Brother in Christ.
Why God why? I asked God and I wondered and pondered on what did i do wrong? Was my best not good enough?
After talking with my church mate and thinking..Well…So what? Am i not better than anyone in life if i am not an officer? and it’s not as if i am going to sign on in the first place and this is going to affect my rice bowl.
Ultimately, life is more than just these. Yes, all these. If going to OCS and thinking that this will be my only platform to do something for God. Then i am wrong.
In this life, it is all about knowing God more and making God known to others through my life. I don’t need to be a officer to do that.
Although it’s alot of moving on to do from now on and packing up my dreams.
With God’s help and telling myself to let Go. It will be hard from time to time. But it will be worth it if i can get to see God’s will for me in this that He does what is good for those he loves.
Good bye OCS, good bye commissioning parade,good bye no.1 uniform,good bye one bar,good bye comms ball.
In closing ( I really hope this is) i did my best, somethings are out of my control. God is good,He knows what He is doing. Letting Go.
So help me God. To do my best in all things for what is needed to be done from now on.
Signing off.
Leon
?
Where is it?
